i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
