life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
