Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
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My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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