I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
