I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
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Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
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ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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