I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
