apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
