Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
