Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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