so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
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The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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