Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Just high enough for therapy.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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