I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
