I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
