I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
