Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
