Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
