there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
