Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
NoShamevember. You game?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
