I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
