I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
