i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
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ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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