when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
