no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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