well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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