im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
