I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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