filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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