so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
