Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
