how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
