I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I came so hard my ears popped.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
