Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
