Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
