I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
