1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
