i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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