we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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