jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
