jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
