I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
