i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
His hands were made for my vagina.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
