First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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