That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
