I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
