Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
