First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
