I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
