Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
