John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
