im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize