The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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