I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
