Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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