So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
