Do you still have your period?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
