if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
