It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
