I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
