I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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