that's an acceptable place to lick
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
