Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
