Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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