Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
