Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She even gives head with a lisp.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
